|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| God,
I thank you so much for the run this morning. Thank you for allowing my legs to move. I am sorry that I am so horrendously distracted. Savior, I am so desperately in need of You because I always think I can do this life on my own. I make a mess of it; just look at how messy I was this past weekend. I am so sorry for hurting Amanda and putting faith in Miles when I need to put my faith and trust in You.
This is where I am: I have no idea what the future holds, and I am so anxious. I am mean and manipulative when others hurt me although I hurt others. I wish I were engaged so that I had another person to factor into the equation. Lord, I am apprehensive about the future and am finding it hard to trust You. Forgive me for my inability to completely trust that You have everything under control.
I specifically ask that You will watch over Daintry today. I miss her and wish that her and I could just sit together and share our hearts. I pray for guidance over her senior project and for the money to pour in, Savior. You are more powerful then I ever give You credit for or really believe. Today, I thank you that I am alive and that I am here at school. Thank you for providing Acts class and the opening. God, take away this guilt that is just sitting on my shoulders. I love You and ask that You will forgive my wandering heart. | | |
| Lord,
It's New Year's Eve, and I am sitting at home. Alone. That seems somewhat depressing; however, I have no desire to go get tanked at some bar or make out with some random guy, all of which has happened numerous upon numerous times before in my one and a half years of drinking.
Tonight, prepare Pastor Judy to hear your words, and begin moving mountains. Lord, I want to see You move; I need to see You move. So many of us have spent months praying for her project and Tommy, and God, please begin to act. I am giving up hope, but there is this part of me that knows that You do have everything figured out.
Being home has been so hard. God, this place is no longer home, and I am not good at accepting this. Michelle has David, Rachel has Ross, my friends from college have their own separate lives, and I am home with my parents and my bed. No wonder I have been sleeping so much. I think I am depressed and just need some California sun. I also vow to go running the minute I get back to school. Lord, I have so many questions: What do You want me to do in the fall? When will I be ready to fall for someone? When will someone, who is truly worth, come pursue me? How come I see the world so differently then all my friends? How come I don't do things traditionally? What do You want? How come I feel so alone all the time, even when there are a million different people surrounding me? This world has nothing for me. God, this year has been so hard.
Maybe we should talk about those hard parts. Friendships in general have been a transition. Every friendship that I called certain rests on uncertainty. I have realized that I do not let people in to my world, nor am I the type of person who lets someone care for her. Miles' friendship has broken my heart a million times over, and I want nothing to do with it. He has so many flaws and yet, I do miss him. I am needy. I do need people. I just want to know the people I can need. Is this the progression of life? Do we just find someone, get married, and spend our lives with someone else? Is that it? God, I want so much more. I want to really live this life, and I want a companion to do that alongside. I don't want to be married to him; I just want someone to travel, dine, and change the world with. I am tired of being the Lone Ranger. My mom mentions how Allison just needs someone to take care of her...what about me? Why can't I be the girl who someone takes care of? Oh, that's right. I am not the needy type. God, I need You. I need You in every shape and form because this life is too hard then. Lord, this year I do want to experience every ounce of life, and I want to learn to really love. I want to learn vulnerability like no one's business, yet that is so hard because these friendships are seasonal, and they do change. Let's face it: I don't do seasonal friendships. They hurt so much. God, I fear that someday I am going to wake up and the only person that will be around is You. Teach me how to rely solely on You. | | |
| I hate when people get engaged, or maybe when my friends get engaged. All of my friends, all of them, have gotten engaged and then have forgotten about their friends. All of a sudden, no one but the stupid fiance matters. Quite frankly it pisses me off. For all those years, I was able to be a good friend, have someone to confide and laugh with, and now that is gone. I want to yell at Michelle because she did exactly what I thought she would never do. David has become her everything. You have the rest of your life to be someone's everything. I will never be someone's everything because I think that is gay. This can't be how you are supposed to do engagements or marriage. There has to be a happy medium.
Oh and let's talk Miles. That kid frustrates me and at the same time, I give so much. Yet, last night Amanda asked me, "Hey have you talked to the Champ lately?" as to which I replied, "a little, here and there...you guys?" Of course she said, "Well I texted him and said 'I miss you' and he said, 'aww how thanks, how's ruby?'" Goodness girlfriend, he can't stand you. I know I sound so mean but I just want to rant and rave. We are supposed to share our life stories on Monday and honestly, Miles will not make the track record because I am too stubborn to give up that information. Miles and I have a unique friendship and unless you are willing to put in the time and effort, a person cannot possibly understand the past year. I don't expect anyone to understand; I just don't appreciate it when people want to compete. Damn you Amanda, you can't compete. You want to compete? I'll back away. In giving someone space, the other party has the ability to come and go as he or she wants. Why don't you fucking get that? I hate when people compete with me. Maybe it's because I don't really care enough to compete. In all honesty, I do not know why it bugs me that she asked me if I talked to Miles. Leave me alone. Amanda, your friendship with Miles is what it is. Last night just frustrated me because I have no reason to compete. If someone wants to go for my guy friends, then go for it. Learn how to deal with men.
I want to date Skylar. The only reason is so that I can have someone and care about someone. We both have two different sets of humor, yet he does make me laugh, and most of the time I know we are not on the same page. I just want to date someone because it is high time I actually care about someone.
This semester is the semester when I whip myself into the best shape of my entire life. I will be crossfitting six times a week and doing the Paleo diet. Oh dear goodness....I don't really know how I am going to function but that is okay. | | |
| Today I realized I want a relationship. I want someone to care about me. I want to care about someone and have it mean something. I saw Jessica and Nate walking around the other night, and it dawned on me that I too want that. I want a nice guy who simply thinks I am the coolest woman around. Okay...take it back. That sounds ridiculously narcassistic. I miss how Mitch and I used to be. I miss senior year when I would go to his soccer games, chorus concerts, and hang out with his family. Sometimes I wish we could have made it work because I would have really fallen in love. Heck, I know I did. I miss listening to James Blunt and knowing that was our song. I miss when we used to hot tub, and he would kiss me. I miss the way he used to back my car up, and I used to think that I was the luckiest woman on the face of the planet. I miss caring about someone the way I cared about him. I miss how things used to be. I miss how safe I felt with him. Obviously that went to crap this summer because when we hung out at Okoboji, I realized how different we really are. What would life been like had I stayed in Sioux Falls and gone to USF? What if Mitch had gone to Luther? What if I had stayed at Baylor? Clearly, God has been choosing all these places for me. Would Mitch and I have made it work? I act like such a hard ass. I act like I have it all together and that I need no one. I do need people. I do want people in my life. I just don't know what kinds of people or if it really matters. Things used to be so much more simple. When did relationships and friendships become so complicated? | | |
| Heavenly Father,
Take all that I am. Own every part of me because I am an emotional girl who needs You. One minute I am up, and the next minute I am down. One minute I love you, and the next minute I loathe being underneath someone who is far more powerful than I am. Please take my wild heart, and make it yours. For this week, I am spending an hour in prayer with You. If there is time for Facebook, homework, analyzing, and every other activity underneath the sun, then there is time to spend an hour in prayer.
God, I do not want to think about boys. Please take away any longing for guy friendships, guy conversations, or even romantic relationships. I just want to be free to focus on You and school. I am so worn out with guys. My head is spinning today after bringing Miles and Colby cookies. In your name, I ask that You remove from my mind any analyzing of that situation. Lord, I am struggling with my appearance. I am struggling with my weight and how I look.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
God, am I beautiful? Today is hard, and I ask for your help. I need you to help me see my outward beauty. I need You. | | |
|
